Ep173 - How abusers keep control over us

In this episode we will talk about how abusers keep control over us - even long after we are out of that situation it can still apply. Especially if we were children at the time and we learned this to be “normal”. We need to understand to recognize and unlearn it.
We first talk about abuse language, then always on edge, then redefining normal, then always assumed guilty, then sabotaging skills, then sugar and pain and then isolation.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-manipulation-tactics/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/narcissism-demystified/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-and-recovery/

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Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode173

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Transcript

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Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! I am Johanna Draconis and I welcome you to “The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD” podcast.
In this episode we will talk about how abusers keep control over us - even long after we are out of that situation it can still apply. Especially if we were children at the time and we learned this to be “normal”. We need to understand to recognize and unlearn it.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:31]
It is a sad reality that abusers shape us to their needs - be it through extreme measures like torture or the slowly grinding away or anything in between. Though there is a pattern they usually follow - be it intentionally or unintentionally.
It is necessary to be able to maintain control as long as possible and ensures that even IF the victim manages to escape then a return is most likely. Because the longer you stay with an abusive person the more you become like them or change for them.
Abusive people bring out the worst in other people and completely destroy who these people are - or at least they try to do so. Even the strongest person will be gradually brought down to their level. That is why it is best to avoid these people as much as possible.
Because they will always non stop focus on finding a way to abuse you - while you are busy living your life. You can never compete with that level of dedication and time investment. Some are worse than others of course - but all usually never change and harm you.
We first talk about abuse language, then always on edge, then redefining normal, then always assumed guilty, then sabotaging skills, then sugar and pain and then isolation.

Abuse language [2:00]
Usually one of the first things they do - is teach you abuse language - which means abusive language becomes normal and normal becomes weird. For example by not responding or responding weird if you use healthy language and make you question yourself.
This  serves 2 purposes: For one you get desensitized to verbal abuse and for two you get isolated. A two bird one stone situation. There is so much nuance and complexity to this topic, that I will make an own separate episode to do it justice.
If you no longer trust your own words or have strange strong feelings for seemingly harmless sentences - that might have happened to you.

Always on edge [2:46]
Then there is that they always keep you on edge - there is a reason why it is used in almost every interrogation - be it police, authorities, military or anyone really. Even in the court room it is used as a common method by lawyers. And the reasons are pretty obvious:
It makes you do more mistakes, your defenses weaker, exhaust you and therefor too weak to fight or flee. So to keep you on edge there has to be always something happening - be it a fight, a drama, a conflict, a problem or whatever they can come up with.
A non stop soap opera. If you are feeling constantly on edge or there is always drama in your life - it might be good to take a step back and see if there is a person that could be connected to it directly or indirectly.

Redefining normal [3:39]
The non stop soap opera also serves a second purpose: It redefines normal for you. Suddenly calm and relaxing atmospheres can become stressful for you - as you anticipate the next thing coming your way. Calm and normal people can stress you out now too.
You likely no longer know how to interact with them and how to respond. And often they will respond negatively to how you behave - to them it will appear erratic or at least off. You now life in a separate parallel reality, where different rules apply.
That is isolating and makes reaching out harder, as now you struggle more to find the right words to describe what is happening to you. If you feel like you are living in a different reality than those around you - then this might have happened to you.

Always assumed guilty [4:33]
Also from the start they will always make you feel assumed guilty - it doesn’t matter if it is gas lightning or just using the abuse language. By sabotaging your self confidence and making you question yourself - they make you feel like you can’t trust your own judgment.
Did you really put the dishes away? Are you sure you told your partner you were planning to go out? With a bit of guilt tripping and emotional manipulation as punishment for your alleged failures. And suddenly you feel always guilty and immediately jump to apologize.
Or do whatever is necessary to apologize and to appease your partner. If you have a tendency to apologize all the time or stand still when an alarm goes off even if you didn’t do anything - then it is likely that this was done to you.

Sabotaging skills [5:25]
Another thing they usually start very early is sabotaging your skills - be it as a child never teaching you how to do things and how to learn and interact. Or as an adult making you question yourself until you can no longer trust your own judgment and rely on their opinion.
This greatly harms the self confidence. That can be done by sabotaging your efforts and questioning the results. It also helps that without these basic skills you will likely fail if you try to break away from them and with some sugar you are likely to return.
Convincing you it is better this way. A good partner should make you feel more confident and secure and not anxious.

Sugar and pain [6:11]
And it really is their theme - sugar and pain. You get pain for not appeasing or behaving and sugar if you try to leave or if you changed your behavior to appease them. It is really simple if you break it down and so effective. The reason also why it is used everywhere.
Animal training, school, sports, social events - basically everywhere. But what makes this situation so unique is how far the abuser is willing to go. Because no healthy human could be capable of doing all of this to another human being.
Narcissist are especially cruel and I will leave a link to their methods in the description.

Isolation [6:54]
All of this leads to the ultimate goal of isolation - because that leaves you completely at their mercy and they have guaranteed access to you. Once again a topic that will get it’s own episode. Abusers are parasites that need a host to feast on - to varying extent.
By isolating you they ensure that no ones learns of your secret, that you only spend time with them, you only serve their purpose and if you no longer serve their purpose - you will be cast aside without hesitation. Or destroyed if they feel like it.
You don’t deserve this - no one does. You deserve better. And if you are wondering what you could have done differently or done wrong - the answer is nothing really.
You can only learn to spot the signs, recover, become more self confident, stay away and live a good life.

Outro [7:51]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.