The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD
The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD
Ep165 - Why can mental health be a problem for men? (Suicide)
In this episode we will talk about mens mental health.
Contact: contactme@johannadraconis.com
Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode165
[1] Suicide fuel/Incel
https://incels.wiki/w/Suicidefuel
https://www.leedsforlearning.co.uk/Pages/Download/3e2842ed-6270-4d21-9b8f-86eb72f95e98/PageSectionDocuments
https://www.adl.org/resources/backgrounder/incels-involuntary-celibates
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10600567/
[2] "Fathers who actively seek custody obtain either primary or joint physical custody over 70% of the time"
https://amptoons.com/blog/files/Massachusetts_Gender_Bias_Study.htm
[3] More women then men try to kill themselves
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/suicide-canada-key-statistics-infographic.html (more hospitalized - Canada)
https://www.priorygroup.com/mental-health/mental-health-statistics "Women and girls attempt suicide 1.5 to 2 times more often than men and boys."
[4] Men not suited for therapy?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mens-mental-health-matters/202309/the-changing-view-of-men-on-mental-health (male therapist perspective)
[5] Hair loss talk but not erectile disfunction
https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/men-taboo-health-topics-incontinence-27980585 (couldn't find the original study)
[6] rather die than being vulnerbale.. partner being exception
Contact: contactme@johannadraconis.com
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Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about mens mental health - fitting since its the month Movember. I usually avoid any topics that have the potential to be dragged into a culture war debate, but people are suffering and dying - therefor it is a very important topic.
So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:31]
This is naturally an emotional topic and given that I’m a women I know I am bound to not belong to the affected group. And often seen as the opposition. Which is why I will be putting statistics in the description with numbers for you to explore and verify.
Though we will focus on looking at and finding a solution for the mental health needs of men from my view as a therapist and my experience treating men. Mostly because a lot of information floating around is misleading and unnecessarily hopeless.
We first talk about myths, then treating men, then loneliness, then talking and then solutions.
Myths [1:15]
My 2 main problems with myths are, that first they tell the victims that it is hopeless and signals them it’s better to just give up. There is an especially viscous section on the Internet that will perpetuate such ideas and encouraging men to commit suicide. [1]
And it is a rabbit hole the algorithm loves to pull you into. And second they muddy the water, which makes it harder to find a solution and actually figure out where the problem and issues originate. A good example is that men don’t get custody of children in courts.
That is incorrect, if men try they get it 70% of the time [2] - an overwhelming majority. It just leads to men not even trying because they think its pointless. Another misleading information is that men are more prone to suicide - by saying more men die to it.
Because actually significant more women try, but more men succeed [3]. We have a huge mental health crisis not just affecting men, but everyone. Which makes projects like mine sadly necessary to fill in the gaps and trying to patch the mental health coverage.
But there are definitely unique issues arising especially for men and that is what we will find a solution for. As I feel like there is some digging in the wrong direction and some really good digging.
Treating men [2:41]
In my experience treating men can be challenging - for two main reasons. First is getting them to agree to treatment and second is overcoming the stubborn block mode while treatment. Which can be extremely frustrating, especially if they need help ASAP.
I sometimes felt I need to apply Guantanamo Bay practices to get any word out of them. There was also the thing, that especially because I was a woman - that they were especially hesitant to admit any weakness or shame.
Even though there was zero intention of a relationship. Other than that I noticed that most men didn’t know how to articulate their emotions or what is going on in their head. Besides that there was no difference between women and men in my experience.
There is some talk about how men are unsuited for conversation therapy [4], but in my experience they do just fine - once they feel like they’re understood and able to express themselves this way. Often they tried to rationalize their emotions away.
Which naturally wasn’t successful, but offered at least some clarity. But help for the deeper issues was only possible due to a strong relationship and deep trust.
Loneliness [3:59]
One of the main contributors to the mental health crisis with men is loneliness. The lack of talking definitely contributes - as this leads to more superficial friendships. While 70% would talk about hair loss, sport, politics, weight - but only 9% about erectile dysfunction [5].
In other words: Topics outside are fine to talk about, but anything coming close or hitting close to home will be avoided. A deep friendship also means being able to talk about anything - especially the deep personal stuff. It also opens yourself up to weakness.
Trust means giving someone the opportunity to hurt you, but hoping he won’t. We can’t become close without allowing vulnerability. But so many men seem to fear even death less than being hurt or vulnerable. Only exception being their partner [6].
And even then it’s difficult. That speaks for a very fragile inside - which means it is especially important to get help or change things. There is a deeper answer to why that is - the culture definitely plays an important role, but there is more to it.
I encourage you to listen to episode 154 (feeling unlovable), 155 (loving yourself) and 159 (feeling scared) [7]. When you love yourself it’s hard to feel truly lonely and pets are very helpful. [8]
Talking [5:31]
The main issue is really the talking. But how do we solve the talking issue? Around 40% of men in the UK won’t talk about their mental health [9]. To quote a conversation with a male friend “I don’t understand how you do it - you just talk about your problems” -
“How else would I find a solution for them?”. I might be blunt, but that also helped me to learn how to express myself in regards to my emotions, feelings and wellbeing. It is a skill you have to learn and develop and keep in shape. Like driving a car.
And it is - as far as I can see - the most important factor to help men and prevent suicides. There are a lot of great projects [10], which are often lead by very prominent and masculine figures to break the strong have to be silent stereotype.
These programs might be the reason that the UK has the lowest suicide rate among the western nations and that with relatively little sun [11].
Solutions [6:30]
So what are the possible solutions for these issues? A larger push for making it acceptable for men to talk about their emotions and getting rid of that silent stoic 2 dimensional male image is incredible helpful. Especially if it is masculine men saying and pushing for it.
It also needs talking points - like the literally talking points to help further the issues -and it has to come from men - or acceptance is unlikely. For the individual I recommend learning how to express your emotions.
One way you can do that is by writing down every day how you feel and your wellbeing is. Try to push yourself with each entry a bit - to further improve your skills. You can destroy it if you worry about someone reading it, but reading old entries helps to show change.
You can also join a chat group to help take the tentative steps in secret and become more comfortable in doing so. Careful with identifying details. And truly find people who care for you and you for them. Building a strong bond takes time - but it is definitely worth it.
Outro [7:45]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
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